Love Tips by Kids

Some great tips on love and relationships by kids between the age of 5 and 10...

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED?

"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me awife." (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." (Mike, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, cause she'll want to havevideos of the wedding." (Jim, 10)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE:

"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deoderantare so popular." (Jan, 9)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE:

"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life."
(Roger, 9)

"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE:

"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8)

"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me, I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." (Gary, 7)

"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time." (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS:

"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them." (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE:

"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6)

"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me." (Bobby, 8)

"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough." (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER:

"One of you should know how to write a check. Because even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." (Ava, 8)

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU:

"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." (Alonzo, 9)

"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually work for me." (Bart, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU":

"The person is thinking, Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day." (michelle,9)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE:

"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." (Tom, 7)

"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash." (Randy,8)

Funny Poems

He and She I'm sure you could imagine, It's as simple as can be, The place is very common the place for he and she. she whispers, "will it hurt?" "or course not", he replied, it won't hurt a bit on me you can rely. I'm getting rather frightened, I've never done this before. He continued to convince her as he shut the door. Now calm yourself my darling, as he displayed a little grin. Just open a little wider and let me put it in. It's getting rather painful the tears were in her eyes. It's hurting very badly it must be quite a size. Suddenly she jumped up and gave a little shout and then that very minute she said, "I'm glad you pulled it out!" If you listen very carefully, It's a dentist you will find. It's not what your thinking, It's just your dirty mind!

Aati thi aati thi.... jaati thi... hansti thi.... hansati thi... bhagti thi.... bhagati thi... bolti thi.... bulwati thi... aaj pata chala saali ullu banati thi....

Wo aur Mein Wo sadak ke is paar thi, main sadak ke us par tha Kuch main aage badha, kuch Wo aage badhi Main kuch aur aage badha, Wo bhi kuch aur aage badhi Main kuch aur aage badha, Wo bhi kuch aur aage badhi Ab main sadak ke us par tha, aur Wo sadak ke is par thi.

Tumhare Lein Har khushi ko teri taraf mod doon, tere liye chand taare tod doon. Khushiyon ke darwaze tere liye khol doon Itna kafi hai motu Ya do chaar jhooth aur bol doon

Classroom Jokes (Teachers Vs Students)

Teacher: If "can't" is short for "cannot," what is "don't" short for? Student: Doughnut.

Teacher: Are you good in math? Student: Yes and no. Teacher: What does that mean? Student: Yes, I'm no good in math.

Student: Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn't do? Teacher: Of course not! Student: Good, because I didn't do my homework.

Teacher: Hari, go to the map and find North America. Hari: Here it is! Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America? Class: Hari!

Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him?" Student : "Because George still had the axe in his hand?"

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have? Student: Big hands!

Teacher: If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have? Vincent: One dollar. Teacher(sadly): You don't know your arithmetic. Vincent(sadly): You don't know my father.

Teacher: Meena, give me a sentence starting with "I". Meena: I is... Teacher: No, Meena. Always say, "I am." Meena: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: How can you prevent diseases caused by biting insects? Student: Don't bite any.

Teacher: Why are you late? Webster: Because of the sign. Teacher: What sign? Webster: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

Teacher: Didn't you promise to behave? Student: Yes, Sir. Teacher: And didn't I promise to punish you if you didn't? Student: Yes, Sir, but since I broke my promise, I don't expect you to keep yours.

Substitute Teacher: Are you chewing gum? Billy: No, I'm Billy Anderson.

Teacher: Well, at least there's one thing I can say about your son. Father: What's that? Teacher: With grades like these, he couldn't be cheating.

A high school English Teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. She tells the class there would be no excuse for not showing up, except for serious injury or illness, or a death in the student's immediate family. A smart-ass jock in the back of the room asks, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the Teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says "Not an excuse. Just write with your other hand."

Teacher : What is the chemical formula for water? Student : "HIJKLMNO! "!! Teacher : What are you talking about? Student : Yesterday you said it's H to O !

Teacher : Sandeep, how do you spell "crocodile"? Sandeep : "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L" Teacher : No, that's wrong Sandeep: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

Teacher : "Can anybody give an example of "COINCIDENCE?" Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day, same time."

Lawyer Jokes

Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the doctor had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!".

Lawyer's Advice A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked, "How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?" "Just send an account for such advice" replied the lawyer. On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 account. That afternoon he received a $100 account from the lawyer.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance, he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

Lawyer and Witness A witness to an automobile accident was testifying. The lawyer asked him, "Did you actually see the accident?" The witness: "Yes, sir." The lawyer: "How far away were you when the accident happened?" The witness: "Thirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches." The lawyer (thinking he'd trap the witness): "Well, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?" The witness: "Because when the accident happened I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question."

Two People in the Same Grave A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way back to the car through the cemetery, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?" "Of course not, dear," replied the mother, "Why would you think that?" "The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

Fire Insurance A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I am here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. But my insurance company paid for everything." "That is quite a coincidence", said the engineer, "I am here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How did you start the flood?", he asked.

You Can't Take it with You An old miser, because of his exceptional thrift, had no friends. Just before he died he called his doctor, lawyer and minister together around his bedside. "I always heard you can't take it with you, but I am going to prove you can," he said. "I have $90,000 in cash under my mattress. It's in three envelopes of $30,000 each. I want each of you to take one envelope now and just before they throw the dirt on me you throw the envelopes in." The three attended the funeral and each threw his envelope into the grave. On the way back from the cemetery, the minister said, "I don't feel exactly right, I am going to confess, I needed $10,000 badly for a new church we are building, so I took out $10,000 and threw only $20,000 in the grave." The doctor said, "I, too, must confess. I am building a clinic and took $20,000 and threw in only $10,000." The lawyer said, "Gentlemen, I'm surprised, shocked and ashamed of you. I don't see how you could hold out that money. I threw in my personal check for the full amount."

$150 A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer. Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150 .

Doctor's Jokes

Bad news for the arttist An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

All Blinds Closed The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery - Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? - Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called ! - Oh no! I just lost my watch. - "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" - Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! - Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. - Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before? - There go the lights again... - Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em. - Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! - Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off. - What's this doing here? - I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. - That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! - Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. -You sure it wasn't this leg? - OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. - Are his relatives waiting outside? - Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? - Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. - What do you mean, "You want a divorce"! - FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! - This scissor looks rusted. - Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing! - Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance? - Now from where did this spider come in from.

Picket Signs! "Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

First Child ! A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Done anything yet? "Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?" "Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

Bad and very bad news Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

HUM JAYEGA GOES TO THE DOCTOR HUM JAYEGA walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor he's broken every single bone in his body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor. HUM JAYEGA says, "No, it's really true. Look!" He then touches his leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then he touches his arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!" Finally he touches his ribs and can barely maintain his composure as the tears start to roll down his face. He says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body." The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, Sir," he tells HUM JAYEGA, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken your finger." One day Hum Jayega went to the doctor with both of his ears burnt. Doctor: So tell me how u burnt your both ears?' Hum Jayega: I was ironing when the phone rang and I answered the iron by mistake" Doctor: But how did you burn both of them? Hum Jayega: Well, as soon as I put the iron down, the phone rang again. Fighting Mood Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill. Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!! Okay, sir, you're an ambulance! In my will The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..." Like an eternity A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!" Bad news, good news! Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers. You are dying A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..." Sure "Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus." "Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia." Pneumonia A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft." "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia." Live Longer Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and smoking, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer. Another One The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one." prevent constipation A construction worker goes to the doctor and says,"Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation ?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags." Patient is getting better A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better." The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302." He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday." The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!" The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!" She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!" Excruciating Pain Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain." "Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking." God and the woman A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you." Surgeon and anesthesiologist At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?" Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing." Doctor and Plumber A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor." Stupid advice The young M.B.B.S was on his first job at a rural health centre. After a week with no work, he got his first patient. "Tell Me", he asked the villager, "who treated you until I came here?" "The Hakim on the other side of the village", was the reply. "And what kind of stupid advice did he give you about your ailment?" asked the fresh young doctor sharply. "The hakim told me to come and see you", replied the villager. Call the doctor A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

Nepali jokes

पति ज्योतिसकहाँ हात देखाउन गए ।

ज्योतिसले भने, आज तिम्रो पत्निलाई अवस्य धन लाभ हुनेछ ।

पति रुन लागेको स्वरमा, तपाईले ठिक भन्नुभो किनकि आज मैले मेरो पर्स घरमै विर्सेर आएछु ।

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किराहरु र जनावरहरुको फूटबल म्याच

एकचोटि किराहरु र जनावरहरुको फूटबल म्याच भएछ । हाफ ट्याम हुँदासम्म जनावरहरुले ६ गोल गरेछन्, तर किराहरुले भने गोलै गर्न सकेनछन् । दोश्रो हाफमा किराहरुको कोचले सय खुट्टे अरिमुठे (MILLIPEDE) ल्याएछ । अरिमुठेले दनादन १२ गोल ठोकेछ, किराहरुले १२-६ मा खेल जितेछन् । खेल सकिएपछि पत्रकारहरुले किराको कोचलाई सोधे;
"कोचज्यू, यस्तो राम्रो खेल्ने अरिमुठेलाई पहिल्यैबाट किन नखेलाएको?"
"पहिल्यैबाट खेलाउने मन त मलाईपनि थियो भाई, तर के गर्ने, बिचरालाई सय वटा खुट्टामा बुट कस्नै हाफ टाइमसम्म लाग्यो ।"

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दिमागमा आगो

श्रीमती: तिमी मलाई धेरै रिस नउठाउ त ! मेरो दिमागमा आगो बलेको छ आज ।
हम जाएगा: ए, तेही भएर होला, आज बिहानैदेखि गुईँठा बालेको गन्ध आएको ।

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गधा

हम जाएगा (श्रीमतीसंग) : हेरन, छोराले गधा चढ्छु, गधा चढ्छु भनेर हैरान पारिसक्यो ।
श्रीमती: के भो त नि, एकछिन काँधमा बोके हुन्न त ?

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