Doctor's Jokes

Bad news for the arttist An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor."

All Blinds Closed The patient awakened after the operation to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. "Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. "Well," the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

Things You Don't Want To Hear During a Surgery - Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? - Hand me that... uh... whatever it's called ! - Oh no! I just lost my watch. - "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" - Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog! - Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. - Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before? - There go the lights again... - Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em. - Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! - Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off. - What's this doing here? - I hate it when they're missing stuff in here. - That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?! - Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. -You sure it wasn't this leg? - OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. - Are his relatives waiting outside? - Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? - Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. - What do you mean, "You want a divorce"! - FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! - This scissor looks rusted. - Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing! - Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance? - Now from where did this spider come in from.

Picket Signs! "Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

First Child ! A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Done anything yet? "Doctor, please hurry. My son swallowed a razor-blade." "Don't panic, I'm coming immediately. Have you done anything yet ?" "Yea, I shaved with the electric razor."

Bad and very bad news Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news. Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first. Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live. Patient: 24 HOURS! Thats terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news? Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

HUM JAYEGA GOES TO THE DOCTOR HUM JAYEGA walks into a doctor's office and tells the doctor he's broken every single bone in his body. "That's impossible!" says the doctor. HUM JAYEGA says, "No, it's really true. Look!" He then touches his leg with her index finger and screams "Ouch!" Then he touches his arm and yells "Eeeeoooow!" Finally he touches his ribs and can barely maintain his composure as the tears start to roll down his face. He says, "See, I told you I broke every bone in my body." The doctor rubs his chin, then conducts a thorough examination. "Well, Sir," he tells HUM JAYEGA, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is, you haven't broken every bone in your body. The bad news is, you've broken your finger." One day Hum Jayega went to the doctor with both of his ears burnt. Doctor: So tell me how u burnt your both ears?' Hum Jayega: I was ironing when the phone rang and I answered the iron by mistake" Doctor: But how did you burn both of them? Hum Jayega: Well, as soon as I put the iron down, the phone rang again. Fighting Mood Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill. Operator, operator, call me an ambulance!!! Okay, sir, you're an ambulance! In my will The patient shook his doctor's hand in gratitude and said, "Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will." "That is very kind of you," said the doctor emotionally, and then added, "Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I'd like to make a little change..." Like an eternity A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?" "I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?" "Oh.. Half a pack a day." "Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees. The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?" "Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while." "Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions." The man is a bit upset, but also agrees. The doctor asks, "How do you eat?" "Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff." "Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese." The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?" "Do you want to live long?" "Yes." "Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?" "Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly. "As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None." The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?" "I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!" Bad news, good news! Patient: I'm in a hospital! Why am I in here? Doctor: You've had an accident involving a train. Patient: What happened? Doctor: Well, I've got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first? Patient: Well... The bad news first... Doctor: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them. Patient: That's terrible! What's the good news? Doctor: There's a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your slippers. You are dying A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete check-up. Afterward, the doctor comes out with the results. "I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left." "Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?" "Ten," the doctor says sadly. "Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!" The doctor interrupts, "Nine..." Sure "Doctor, are you sure I'm suffering from pneumonia? I've heard once about a doctor treating someone with pneumonia and finally he died of typhus." "Don't worry, it won't happen to me. If I treat someone with pneumonia he will die of pneumonia." Pneumonia A man went to see his doctor because he was suffering from a miserable cold. His doctor prescribed some pills, but they didn't help. On his next visit the doctor gave him a shot, but that didn't do any good. On his third visit the doctor told the man, "Go home and take a hot bath. As soon as you finish bathing throw open all the windows and stand in the draft." "But doc," protested the patient, "if I do that, I'll get pneumonia." "I know," said the doctor, "I can cure pneumonia." Live Longer Patient: Doctor, if I give up wine, women, and smoking, will I live longer? Doctor: Not really. It will just seem longer. Another One The tired doctor was awakened by a phone call in the middle of the night. "Please, you have to come right over," pleaded the distraught young mother. "My child has swallowed a contraceptive." The physician dressed quickly; but before he could get out the door, the phone rang again. "You don't have to come over after all," the woman said with a sigh of relief. "My husband just found another one." prevent constipation A construction worker goes to the doctor and says,"Doc, I'm constipated." The doctor examines him for a minute and then says, "Lean over the table." The construction worker leans over the table, the doctor whacks him on the ass with a baseball bat, CRACK... and then sends him into the bathroom. He comes out a few minutes later and says, "Doc, I feel great. What should I do to prevent constipation ?" The doctor says, "Stop wiping with cement bags." Patient is getting better A woman, calling Mount Sinai Hospital, said, "Hello, I want to know if a patient is getting better." The voice on the other end of the line said, "What is the patient's name and room number?" She said, "Yes, darling! She's Sarah Finkel, in Room 302." He said, "Oh, yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, she's going to be taken off the heart monitor in a couple of hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday." The woman said, "Thank God! That's wonderful! Oh! That's fantastic! That's wonderful news!" The man on the phone said, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member or a very close friend!" She said, "I'm Sarah Finkel in 302! Cohen, my doctor, doesn't tell me a word!" Excruciating Pain Patient to the eye doctor: "Whenever I drink coffee, I have this sharp, excruciating pain." "Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking." God and the woman A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God answered, "No, you have another 40 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was hit by a car and died immediately. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years, why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the car?" God replied, "I didn't recognize you." Surgeon and anesthesiologist At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doctor interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doctor says, "I bet you are a surgeon". She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." She then says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist." Male doctor: "Wow, how did you guess?" Female doctor: "I didn't feel a thing." Doctor and Plumber A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600. The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a doctor!." The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor." Stupid advice The young M.B.B.S was on his first job at a rural health centre. After a week with no work, he got his first patient. "Tell Me", he asked the villager, "who treated you until I came here?" "The Hakim on the other side of the village", was the reply. "And what kind of stupid advice did he give you about your ailment?" asked the fresh young doctor sharply. "The hakim told me to come and see you", replied the villager. Call the doctor A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss says, "What happened to your ears?" He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron." The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?" He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"